Losing Us Read online

  “Yes, damn it. You should.”

  She threw her hands up. “And let me guess, you never told her you wanted more than I’d given you, huh? That’s all a mistake too?”

  “I…” I dropped my hands at my sides, rolling them into fists. Her eyes were locked on me, silently begging me to agree with her sarcastic statement. To deny that I’d told another woman I was lonely and confused, but there was no way I was going to lie about that. I refused to mislead her. “I said it, but I was drunk and alone, and an idiot for saying I wanted more. That I wished for more. I didn’t. I don’t.”

  She wrapped her arms around herself, hugging tightly. She did that when she was upset, and I’d done that. Upset her even more. “When I’m lonely and miss you, I call you. Or look at photos of us, or…watch videos of us performing together.” She closed her eyes, two tears slipping out. “I don’t tell other men how lonely I am, and how I want more out of my relationship than what I’m getting with you, and kiss them. She’s a fan, not your friend. There has to be boundaries in place. Strict boundaries. Treating her as if she means nothing to you is… That’s… It’s not okay. How would you feel if I did that with another guy?”

  I pictured her telling some faceless, nameless guy the things I’d told Diane, some fan who would give his left nut to be able to touch her, and I wanted to flip my shit. She was right, and I knew it, and I didn’t have a leg to stand on. If I lost her, the woman I loved…

  There would be nothing left in my world except my sister.

  I’d be alone, and I’d go back to being the sarcastic, sardonic asshole I’d been before Mac had saved me. The guy I’d been the other night when I’d been a fool and gotten drunk in public. And now I was paying for it. Man, was I paying for it. My heart seemed as if it had gone away, and all that remained was a hollow ache in my chest. The last time I’d felt this had been when Mac and I had broken off our arrangement, before we’d become a real couple.

  I’d thought I’d never feel it again.

  Never feel so alone.

  Swallowing past my swollen throat, I glanced past her shoulder, staring at the driver behind her. Her bodyguard was in there. He glowered at me with death in his eyes. I stared back. It hurt less than looking at her. Seeing what I’d done with a few careless words. “I’m sorry. I’ve never been with someone as famous as…” I cut myself off, knowing she wouldn’t like me saying the end. It had always been her worry, that her fame would be too much for me. It wasn’t.

  “As me,” she said hollowly. “Just say it.”

  “Okay, yeah,” I said, my voice low. “As you. But that doesn’t matter to me. And that’s not the only thing. I’ve never been famous either. Hell, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore, Mac. I’m sorry I fucked up and said I wished for more than I had. And I’m sorry she was in my room, waiting for me. Sorry you had to see that.”

  “You told her stuff about us. Private stuff.” She closed her eyes and took a shaky breath. “How could you do that?”

  I flinched. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was just wishing that you and I could have more. Together. You know?”

  “It’s too late. It’s…” She licked her lips. “Papa always said to be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. Well, you got what you wished for. We’re done. I hope you find what you’re looking for, and that you…you…”

  She didn’t finish that sentence, and I wouldn’t have heard it even if she had. It sounded as if a wind tunnel had opened up in my brain, washing out all sounds but her telling me we were done. Her leaving me. She couldn’t leave me.

  Didn’t she know I needed her?

  “Please. Don’t.” I closed the distance between us. The second I touched her, we both flinched. There had always been a connection between us, and it was undeniably still there. Still as strong as ever, and for some reason that made this whole thing hurt even more. “I love you. I love you so damn much.”

  She placed her hands on my chest, her bright green eyes shining with tears and pain and regret, and she shook her head. Not as much as I had, I was sure. “Why? Why didn’t you just call me? Or FaceTime me?”

  “I don’t know,” I whispered. “Because I’m a fucking idiot. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do.”

  She shook her head slightly. Cameras started clicking, and I knew what that meant. We’d been spotted. “You—” As soon as the first light flashed, she stiffened and cut herself off.

  “Trouble in paradise?” one pap asked.

  “Give us a kiss!” another shouted. “Show everyone you’re okay!”

  She stepped out of my arms, head down and hidden from the cameras, and I let her. It might have been the hardest thing I’d ever done, but this wasn’t the place to have this conversation. Not with at least ten paps screaming questions at us and blinding us with sporadic flashes.

  “The storm’s about to hit. Come to my hotel with me,” I whispered, keeping my head and voice lowered, just like her. “Or I’ll come to your place. We need to talk about this privately. Please.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about. You weren’t happy with me, obviously, if you’re hooking up with random girls and telling our secrets.” She shook her head. “I saw the look on your face when she kissed you. You weren’t exactly repulsed by her.”

  “No.” I’d been in shock. Not in lust. I followed her to her car, shielding her from the cameras. All the fuckers would get was pictures of my back if I had anything to say about it. “I won’t let this be over. I love you, and you love me. We can make this work.”

  She opened her door, and slid in—slamming the door shut behind her. As I reached for the handle, she locked it with a trembling hand. I jerked on the handle anyway, but it was useless. She’d locked me out. Heart wrenching and twisting, I leaned down and locked eyes with her. She didn’t look sad anymore. Okay, that wasn’t true. She still looked sad, but now she looked resigned too. And that scared the hell out of me.

  I stared through the barrier at her, and she watched me with her wide, tear-filled green eyes. Holding my breath, I tapped the window two times, our secret code for I love you, and waited for her to do it back. She didn’t move.

  She didn’t love me anymore, because I’d ruined everything…just like I ruined everything else. I lifted my hand, not trusting myself to drive, and a cab pulled up to the curb almost instantly. I launched myself inside, amidst a shitload of flashing lights. “Follow that black car, now.”

  The cabbie slammed on the gas, and we followed Mac out of Nashville. Within a few minutes, the winds kicked up, and I knew we were about to get lost in the storm. I texted Rachel. She was seventeen now and away from home with her friend’s family, but that didn’t stop me from worrying about her. I should be with her, not here, stuck in a storm, watching my life slip out of my fingers.

  She replied that she was okay, and I tucked the phone into my pocket.

  Hard rain hit the roof of the cab, and for a second, I wondered if Mac even knew where she was going. But then the black car pulled up to a dark house in the middle of nowhere, and she climbed out, holding her bag to her chest with a wet face. As soon as the car pulled away, I paid the cab driver and got out.

  I remained hidden until the car left so she wouldn’t be able to send me away easily. It was time for me to fix what I’d ruined. Time for me to get Mac to understand I’d been an idiot, yes, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love her. I’d never, ever have acted upon any doubts I’d had about us. And I’d never have cheated on her.

  She didn’t believe me, but it was true.

  The second I’d woken up the morning after I’d foolishly spilled my heart out to Diane, I’d known I made a huge mistake. Mac had always been big about keeping our mouths shut, and our personal life personal, and I was on board with that. But that night? I’d broken all those rules.

  But the thing was I’d never known love before. And I’d never been in the public eye like this before either. And being in love with a
country superstar wasn’t exactly easy. I was learning how to handle the loneliness and fears, but it was a learning curve.

  One I’d fucked up.

  But one thing hadn’t changed. I loved her, and I needed her in my life. There was no way in hell I was going to let one stupid night of running my mouth ruin what we had. She was sunshine and roses, and I was black thorns and cloudy skies. Without her…

  I’d drown in a world of darkness.

  THE DARK winds whipped around furiously, matching my mood. I’d come to Nashville early, hoping to have a romantic reunion with the man I loved, and instead I’d gotten my heart broken. Had he really been so unhappy with me, with our love, that he’d had to tell a strange woman about us? About how he wanted more? Had he really needed to kiss her? He said he hadn’t slept with her, but the trust had been broken. And I didn’t believe him anymore. Why would I? I’d caught him red-handed.

  This wasn’t the first time I’d been cheated on, and I hoped to God it was the last. Every time I let my defenses down and let someone in, let myself fall for a guy, something like this happened. And when it did, the media ate it up like birthday cake. And it always fell down to me. What I’d done to cause this.

  And now it was going to happen again.

  Even worse, it had already started. The media knew all about our rocky relationship, and once news of this insanity hit, they’d pick apart the scraps of what was left like vultures. This was going to be the worst breakup ever, and it hurt so much. So freaking much. I loved Austin, and I’d thought he loved me. I’d been so sure…

  And look what that certainty had gotten me.

  Despite my hope that my crazy lifestyle wouldn’t affect our relationship, when I’d been away working, Austin had been wallowing in loneliness and feeling like I wasn’t giving him enough of me. I loved him with all my heart and soul.

  What more did he want from me?

  When my best friends hadn’t answered my calls, I’d emailed my publicist and told her about the split. The sooner we planned the best way to announce this, the better. But, God, I didn’t want to. I wanted Austin. And the house on twenty-five acres in the middle of nowhere that we’d talked about. And our two kids—a boy and a girl. And our freaking dog and cat.

  But now, I’d get none of that. That life would never be lived, because he’d cheated on me. Soon, the whole world would know all about my pain. They’d rip it apart, analyze it, come up with reasons for the split, and then tweet the horrible things to me to read. It was over—he was done and I was done—and oh my God, it hurt so much.

  Hands shaking, I pulled the key out of my bag. I loved this house because it was in the middle of nowhere. Kind of like our dream home, but with not quite enough land. No nearby stores. No cars. No phone. It was like stepping back in time whenever I came home. It let me unplug from the world. Detox. After the news hit, it was bound to be everywhere. That didn’t mean I had to see it.

  Unlocking the door, I stepped inside and set my bag down just as the skies opened up. The storm had hit, bringing a tornado warning with it. Home sweet home. Maybe a tornado would come and rip me away into Oz. I could use the vacation.

  A sound came from behind me, and I spun around, half expecting a wolf or something to be there, ready to pounce. Or maybe a zombie. What I found was even more terrifying. “Austin?” I squeaked, my heart racing even more than it had been. “No. No, no, no. You have to go. You’re not coming in with me.”

  I tried to shut the door in his face, but he was too quick. He stepped inside, towering over me. His familiar smell hit me, and I closed my eyes because it hurt. It brought back memories of love-filled evenings, laughter, and sunshine. And now that was all gone.

  “I can’t,” he said, his tone hesitant. “My car left.”

  I shook my head, knowing there was nothing I could do. The storm had hit, and no driver in his or her right mind would come out here to get him now. Heck, I was already worried about my driver, whom I’d sent back to the city. I couldn’t ask another to come. Austin kicked the door shut behind him and took his hat off, shaking his head like a dog. The lights were out, but that didn’t stop me from seeing his face. Or those blue eyes of his I loved so freaking much it hurt to see them.

  I didn’t want him here. Not with me.

  “You shouldn’t have followed me,” I said, my voice cracking. “Now we’re stuck here together, because of the storm.”

  “I know. I planned it that way. We need to talk.” He stepped closer to me, and I forced myself to stand my ground. “I know I fucked up. I own that. But I’m not giving up on you, on us, on everything that we are and could be, because of one fucking night.”

  “It hurts, Austin.” I pressed a hand to my heart. It didn’t help. “It hurts too much. I can’t.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. But I had to follow you. I’d follow you to the ends of the earth if I had to. I’m not letting you go. Not losing you.” He caught my shoulders in his hands and lowered his forehead to mine. “I love you, Mac. I love you so damn much. Believe me. Please…” He tipped my chin up with a trembling hand. “Please.”

  My lids drifted shut. I knew I should move away. Kick him. Punch him. Scream at him. But I couldn’t move. I was mesmerized by his touch. His soft voice. Him. He lowered his mouth to mine, moving slow enough to give me a chance—a thousand chances—to move away or say no. I didn’t do either. I couldn’t. A broken sound escaped me the second his lips touched mine.

  Because I was. Broken. So badly.

  When he stepped closer, closing me in his embrace and looming over me, a hundred images of us together flashed before me in some horrible montage. Us snorkeling. Kissing in the rain. Me telling him I loved him. The way he’d looked on stage for the first time on tour with me. But the last image, of him kissing that blonde in his dressing room, ripped me out of the kiss. And out of his arms.

  I stumbled back, covering my mouth. “Don’t. Just…don’t.”

  A flash of lightning struck just in time for me to see the pain flash across his eyes. “Mac—”

  Shaking my head, I pressed two fingers to my lips. I wanted to fall into his arms and blindly believe that everything would be okay, that we’d be able to fix us, but I couldn’t. I’d ignored logic and all rational thought once before, when I’d believed we would be happy together, and that he’d never hurt me. I couldn’t do it again. Not twice. “You told her you weren’t happy. Broke my trust by letting a stranger into a relationship. A stranger who couldn’t wait to sell that information to the media.”

  He blinked. “What? What do you mean?”

  “She—” I cut myself off. It didn’t matter what she’d done. Not really. It mattered what he’d done. He’d betrayed me in ways I could never forgive. Not just by kissing another girl, or maybe sleeping with her, but by telling her how unhappy he was with me. By telling her I wasn’t enough. I already knew that, but to hear him say it? Yeah, that hurt more than the kiss itself. “Just…just leave me alone. It’s done.”

  I escaped up the stairs, heading for my bedroom. I bolted into what was once my sanctuary, slamming the door shut behind me. The second I clicked the lock into place, I slid down the door, crouching on the floor in front of the only thing saving me from falling right back into Austin’s arms without another thought.

  He’d said he was new to this whole love thing, but so was I. I’d never been in love before him, and I didn’t know what to do now that it had all fallen apart. He’d been the one who had convinced me he’d be fine with my tours, recordings, and red carpet appearances. I’d trusted him, despite the small voice in the back of my head screaming that I was a fool. I’d ignored it and listened to him.

  And now he’d said I was too busy for him.

  That I wasn’t enough.

  Dropping my forehead on my knees, I hugged my legs tightly to my chest to ease the pain inside. And I let myself fully cry. Didn’t he know how much I loved him? Needed him? How could he do this to me? To us? How could he have kiss
ed that girl? Touched her? He’d said he hadn’t, but what if he’d slept with her? What if he’d lied about that, too, just like he’d lied about being happy with me? And what the heck were we supposed to do now that we were stuck in this house together, but not together? How were we going to survive this storm? Or the one raging outside?

  Footsteps came up outside the door, and I covered my mouth, muffling the sobs. He didn’t need to know how badly he’d hurt me, or how weak I was right now. Something hit the door. His forehead, maybe.

  “I’m sorry, Mac. So fucking sorry. But I didn’t sleep with her. I swear it. And I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to fix this. I refuse to lose you. To lose…us.”

  I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. Instead, I pressed my hand more firmly to my mouth, holding back the tears trying to escape. It was a losing battle, and I knew it.

  “I know I fucked up, but I love you, and I know you love me. We can…” He paused. “We can make it through this, damn it. I’m sorry I got drunk like that, and I’m even sorrier that I ruined your trust. But I’m going to win it back, because when you love someone, you don’t just walk away. You don’t give up. I might not know much about love, but at least I know that. You know that, right, Mac?”

  I bit down on the back of my hand so I didn’t say anything I’d regret. Anything I might want to take back. And, as hard as it was, I didn’t answer his plea.

  He sighed. “I’m not giving up on us. I’ll let you be alone now, since you want that, but I’m not going away. And I’m not going to stop apologizing, for the rest of my life if I have to, for hurting you like this. I’m sorry.”

  He waited, maybe hoping I’d open the door for him, but then sighed again. His footsteps retreated, and I sagged against the door, clutching my stomach and staring at the empty bed. I didn’t know what to think. What to say. What to believe.

  So I said, and did, nothing.

  He kept saying he hadn’t cheated on me, hadn’t slept with her, but that conversation had seemed awfully damning to me, despite his assurances. People didn’t pretend “nothing” happened if nothing happened. End of story. And they didn’t kiss like that. Images of him, with his hands all over random girls with that silly grin on his face, hit me hard. Had I been fooling myself into thinking they were normal pictures? If he got drunk with one of his fans, who was to say he hadn’t done it again and again and again? Who was to say that Diane was the only girl who’d felt she was welcome to wait in his dressing room topless? Who was to say that had been the first time?